Felix has a job for our heroes, and introduces them to a new ally: The Great Martine. They just need to steal something from a ship in the dock ward. What could go wrong?

Our Cast:

Kenny as the DM

Khadeja as Rook

Stephanie as Epi

Paul as Brock

Tyler as Armbar

Love what you’re hearing? Join our network Discord community!

We use wild magic tables from the DMsguild by Dan Panfilo. You can find them here.

Not all tea is made of lies! We are now affiliated with Many Worlds Tavern. Use our affiliate link to get fantasy themed tea and coffee, and use code BARDROCKCAFE to save 10% on your order. A portion of your order goes to support the show!

Want to support the Show and pick up some sweet dice? We are now partnered with FanRoll by Metallic Dice Games. Just use our affiliate link and code BARDROCKCAFE at checkout to save 10%. A portion of your order goes to support the show!

We are also now affiliated with Minva RPG! Pick up journals for your players, a TTRPG campaign planner template for your DM, and a myriad of other cool tools for your campaign. Just use our affiliate link to support the show and code BARDROCKCAFE to save 10% off your order!

We were featured in Podchaser’s top podcasts to check out February 2022!

Bard Rock Cafe is a DND 5E real play podcast, featured in Feedspot’s Top 100 D&D Podcasts brought to you by Dragon Master Games and viewers like you via our Patreon and Ko-Fi. Please consider liking us on Facebook. You can also follow us on  Twitter, Tumblr, Tiktok, Instagram, and Dice Camp! We also stream on Youtube so be sure to subscribe there as well!

Thanks to our prior sponsor, Sassy Gamers!

We now have merchandise! You can find us on Redbubble and Teepublic!

Want to listen using your preferred podcast service instead? Find this episode and more on Podchaser, IHeart Radio, Pandora Pocket Casts, Spotify, Player FM, Google Podcasts, and Apple Podcasts/Itunes!

Transcript:

bardrock cafe is brought to you by sassygamers.com and viewers like you links to sassy gamers our patreon and our social media accounts can be found in the show notes

previously on bard rock cafe armbar touched the obelisk and immediately knew how to read it they told him his own life story brock finished his concert and our heroes regrouped armbar read the runes eppie had copied but effie snapped the book closed before he could finish reading our heroes did get a name however giuseppe von burce they did what anyone would do in that situation go to the library brock was able to find a book with more information but still not enough to figure out the secret of the obelisk and hopes to ask felix what would felix say find out today on bard rock cafe

all right welcome back to the bard rock cafe episode six so when we last left off everybody had just laid down for a long rest asleep for the night brooke went off on her own way roland ebby and brock we’re all staying right here in the castle district in the black staffs tower as you all come to start to wake up happy you wake up first okay and you see perched into the window the several stories high window is felix can he get in the window he’s he’s perched in the window okay good i was like do i need to let him in and next to him also perched in the window is it the backseat that you do not recognize that tabaxi looks really really tired felix says i look at it i look at felix i look at the tabaxi i look at felix sleepy blurred eyes and all that wow hello did you sleep well

uh i i think so did you did you adopt a cat you were just calling me a cat did you catch us

oh you’re i’m terribly sorry first thing in the morning yet it’s a backseat right what else do you think you’ll need martinis at this point too finish it roland brock gonna start waking up because you hear conversation happening in the room with you and as i sit up i just gruggly go you know you’re one to judge you’re half goat oh now that’s just rude you called the man a cat i am a tiffling the goat is part of my aesthetic and also his aesthetic and then there’s roland who’s part bison good morning everyone i hear you did some work in town how’s it going uh i did and i reached and grabbed the 50 gold it was it was just one quick job before we went to bed last night this is all we have for now but we’re hoping to pick up a bigger job today felix takes the bag and it’s not gold it’s silver oh no oh no i thought we opposed it whichever way i either gave epi 50 gold worth of silver or i given him 50 gold worth of silver whatever i forget which one i did which i understand so it takes it you do know this is nowhere close to any kind of repayment that should oh

oh i completely understand like i said it was just one job we did and you you knew the job that we did uh so i definitely want to make a bigger payment i just wanted to give you something i know it’s only been we’d spend less than a day so we’re gonna go on from tackle some bigger jobs today and we’re also entering this and i show them the battle of the bards uh they’re apparently my neighbor is going to be helping repay so that will also take off some of my debt if they’re raising money for it oh how very charitable of them well i know i have to stop and thank them today as well as you should but first i have some introductions rock song roland armbar epimetheus i would like you all to meet marty and old acquaintance of mine [Music]

like martin’s like like rubbing his eye cause how [ __ ] exhausting he is all right all right martine look for milk is the great martini don’t you know uh fish and chips right i never forget an order

well i’m hoping to get those to you again soon i appreciate all my patrons uh so pleasure to re-meet you i don’t think i ever got your name before but the face looks familiar i remembered fish and chips

you are more than welcome to i mean i guess i’m up now you can use it if you want you said i want you to take a quick cat nap what if he’s got fleas you didn’t check what if the goat lady had goat milk in the bed yeah we are gonna race through stereotype here hmm every just kind of looks different you don’t just ask somebody if they have fleas just let him in his bed and he doesn’t even care it’s not even our bed it’s the black staff there’s no need for such hostility we’re all friends here my my apologies felix it’s first thing in the morning we have we had a rough night i haven’t had my morning coffee

[Laughter] i only take one no sugar just in case you’re wondering

i thought you were giving felix an order first

i’m just gonna i’m gonna um start ritual casting you just see eppie drag this book out and flop it in front of him starts muttering something with a little stick in front of him with a decent string on it ten minutes from now something will happen right and well while eppie’s doing that i actually i i go and turn on the kettle for the coffee and then i grab the book that we took out the library and said uh felix i actually i had a question i wanted to ask you this morning if you don’t mind uh i’m try i’m hoping you might be able to get me some information about uh this person their name is uh jalepi vaughn i forget von burst so felix thanks about the name for a minute

the vaudeverse family is one of the nobility i’m surprised you don’t know them yourself i i know the family but i don’t know that person specifically i might have met them when i was younger but it just i can’t attach a face to the name and uh we heard about this person through some adventures we were having yesterday and i’m just trying to learn more about them i see well i don’t know the name personally but i can reach out and see if anyone but i know has a friend that knows something i don’t appreciate that epi just um very quietly sort of cast message to felix that just says it’s totally it it’s fine if you want to leave that one alone we really don’t need to look into it we really don’t need to look into it don’t listen to her she’s captain

[Laughter]

yeah at this point i’m just gonna have to put it into the character description that he gets mistaken for a girl frequently so felix first of all just doesn’t like does not respond at all doesn’t even acknowledge that something was said it says now as you may have noticed martine looks very tired unfortunately it seems martine is suffering from the same affliction as all of you [Music] crazy things are happening and it seems to be centered around the bardrock cafe and the meteo that struck anyone that was nearby that day has noticed strange occurrences seemingly at random question how much do we trust felix felix has always played things kind of close to his chest but he has always been true to his word at least with you guys not that he’s never lied to you but all right has he been the same way with martine yeah felix is as much as you can be when you are a black market fence felix has a history of being very on the level all right so i uh just for the sake of expediency i basically explained to felix that we got a look at what hit the bard rock that it was an obelisk and that uh when when uh armbar tried was able to read it he basically read his own life story and the other runes we copied down seemed to be about this gialepsi person i see we’re trying to find a connection eppy pipes up and he’s like also through my studies i have noticed that it seems that the all the currencies only rarely happen when you cast magic not canthrips just magic they they happened to other times uh i wasn’t doing anything for when i started breathing bubbles the other day that’s true so magic seems to trigger it but i started we were just doing that job in the sewers last night and for no reason i could tell i just started breathing bubbles i see well i would expect at some point the black staff is going to come interview each of you personally these strange occurrences have been having a disruptive effect on regular life for many people [Music] my team here has not slept for a day and a half that’s unfortunate [Music] boy i really need to be you right now i need my team to feel pity for you since you do talk like he performed

i just go ahead and i press the digitization to get the coffee to the right heat and flavor for everybody and pour everybody a cup and i pour martina double oh hello water deep roast actually i think this is never winter roast sure so you all have coffee it’s pretty good does it wake me up it helps you didn’t have any exhaustion levels so you know functionally you’re okay you just would love to go to sleep okay okay felix says now martine is in the unfortunate situation of owing me money so in many ways we’ll have something in common me so you’re going to be working together and if you don’t have any pressing business i have a job for you perfect i don’t think we have any pressing business nothing pressing i was gonna make a couple of stops today but i can do it after our job or between jobs i just need to let the band know to get ready for the battle of the bands and also thank my neighbor which i can do both of those things after we get our job done wonderful well i suppose i should ask first this is going to be criminal is that okay

as long as martinez brock shruggs uh on a scale of petty theft to murdering someone of high importance how criminal is it that’s a theft from someone of high importance evie just looks up so what happened to um the other one the the young lady who didn’t have a whole lot of um enthusiasm ah look look i have some other side jobs for her today i’ve brought you martin for this particular task

how sneaky are you marty

let’s just say if you haven’t noticed martini till now very sneaky fair enough

can i use a quick question above game yeah sure i realize the spell is called alt herself can i alter self someone else or is it just me it is just you okay so i just realized martin’s a rogue and a cat that makes him a cat burglar technically i’m a cat pirate and it’s oxymoron because cats hate water so you know

good thing he’s on a pirate ship

until i tell you otherwise you have vulnerability to damage from brock

just don’t make me angry you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry is it because i’m stupid

if it wasn’t happening can i finally kick

i have an intelligence score of 18. that’s probably charisma based because i have such a winning personality i would say bubbly i mean our dean’s cruise was pretty high well yeah i’m probably gonna personally higher charisma than you oh yeah here’s your remark just like your main step roland doesn’t need a charisma stat roland has already won all of our hearts

roland has also apparently got proficiency in every role he’s supposed to be bad at this is true it’s astonishing if it’s just something where it’s like oh yeah nobody will be able to get that you make you make tyler all for it intelligent saving throw pass everything else

just do a straight intelligence check to see how much you can comprehend about this complex situation

i didn’t know how to get out of the cellar two feet above me roll a three basically i had to do a chin up literally so just as a quick note uh any wild magic stuff that had been going on after the while after the the long rest that has stopped except for your inability to sleep on our team that is still going strong you don’t know how to stop make that stop [ __ ] at least you know how to read martine just kind of like looks at him like cox said like it’s a it’s a long story and unfortunately armbar can’t read any of it

my team does not know this word read we can be illiterate together you and me more team yeah you just see some you see the light die in eppy’s eyes a little bit he’s just like all right effie you’re teaching this one how to read i already have rolling covered are you sure you should i can teach both of you to read it is an entire world of just possibilities in a book how can you how have you never learned how to read

my team grew up on harbor and martin know how to fight in both i thought you know ethie we went over this woman was raised in slavery until about two years before i met him tops bones

[Music]

i’m starting to lose my voice a little bit i got like a glass of water i’m chugging you’re gonna [ __ ] develop throat cancer by the end of the campaign

i can feel it already

oh my god herbal tea tyler have some herbal tea

armor’s gonna make a nice glass of sweet tea with a lemon wedge you ever had chamomile all right i’ll help you go to sleep martin [Laughter] martin does not see the benefits of drinking a camel grandmother armbar back when i was a weenie lad before slavery always told me to bask and even bathe in chamomile martine confused you bathed in camel camels you hear felix behind you all i prefer sneaky time myself all right anyway so tell us more about this job felix martine would like to get to this daddy savvy i appreciate your enthusiasm so i find myself with an unusual opportunity to see a noble family from the northern districts went on vacation and like any noble family does they took all their valuables with them well on the return trip they sent their valuables back on a boat meanwhile they traveled on foot they have been delayed but their valuables arrived just this morning now you can keep whatever you want to steal from those valuables they’re currently on a ship in the doctor’s district at some point today they are going to be transported back to their estate at which point they will be much much harder to obtain i am only interested in a particular carved room

it is a ruby that is about two feet tall carved in the shape of a red dragon i want it i have a buyer for it and if you can successfully steal this martine i will consider your debt to be paid and the rest of you i will count it as 3 000 gold off of the death that’s involved well i just i just have one question for you felix you know me and you know my family do i know the people that you’re asking us to steal from and if i do how much do i like them felix kind of leans forward in the windowsill would it make your life easier or harder to know the answer to that question uh if i don’t like them easier he kind of i hate push to talk he kind of leans forward again and says just go get the ruby or turn down control this man speaks simple brock doesn’t like that answer but at the same time he thinks nobles might have too much money having resented not having any of his own for a while so he’s fine with it it seems as if an invisible person has brought epi his daytime clothes and also a pair of slippers that fit conveniently over moves which is very odd to look at does anyone notice this or is this like a secret it’s just happening in the background

excellent use of the unseen servant getting dressed sir all right [Music] all right so i assume that felix provided us with some sort of additional information which ship we’re trying to rob yes the ship is known as the duchess normally would have parked itself in the castle ward docks itself but i may have managed to redirect it to the dark system very unfortunately paperwork so you’ll find it there i imagine they will have to spend at least some time figuring out what to do with all these valuables in the doc’s distance make sure nobody else steals it first because this is a noble ship it stands out best of luck do you have any other questions

uh i’m i think i’m fine now at this point like how how tired is my team going i mean you’re tired i’ll let you know if you have to roll a cough safe okay just take off exhaustion oh my team like kind of turns to the party and then he’s just going to be now they totally it sounded like a as soon as possible sort of situation there’s two gangs that run out of the docs ward i really don’t want them getting to that ship first

uh what’s the plan is the question

i think i can’t throw a distracting concert two days in a row i feel like they might catch on to my trick but they can most likely slip out in and out easily

brock song right right uh what do you do besides running like have you killed the man have you seen the life leader so like what have you done uh i’m a musician i play music i perform i’m a bard i am very good at talking to people at entertaining people okay so maybe you maybe not a musical distraction but maybe you can attract some guards maybe maybe i could possibly uh talk our way through some of the security or maybe otherwise distract them i’m an excellent distraction okay sentiment and mention there’s going to be guards almost certainly maybe not even city guards maybe there might just be security because it was something valuable i imagine the family probably has private guards and then a little boy with the horns what about you eppy just sort of you know puts his cloak on i think that i can take care of the distraction today if we don’t want to do another concert i have a lot of tricks up my sleeve i mean can you present one epi just sort of um things for a second and then the unseen servant i telepathically tell him to go over there and then scratch the tabaxi on the ears and martino like that but he

my plan would be just to run in their tons of please think that that plan no

we’ve been over this the code legal will get us in a lot of trouble this isn’t some small town water in water deep you get arrested and you’re thrown in jail if you’re lucky listen the only thing i do well is beat things up and when i can’t beat things up i get angry and tasty wait that gives me an idea what if what if you do beat something up what if we stage a fight and get the guard’s attention that way what are we gonna do boss all right i have a plan and i think this is where we would fade away and then fade to the doctors to re-enact the plan because basically i want to improv us faking a fight while we’re walking there i’m going to be like so what is the plan my team is not right so some time out all right so we’re going to do timeout as you walk out the front door of the black staffs tower start walking down the main thoroughfare you hear this way from far behind you and you hear like the sound of somebody just full-on sprinting

you see this kind of preteen guy just panting red in the face huffing holding some kind of like parchment in his hand all right yeah i mean martino likes yeah yeah stop i’ll turn and kneel to get down to his height level and say that what is it that stops this hinting are you oh oh god are you broke okay take a breath yes yes i am he hands you this parchment so i supposed to give this to you all right and i take the parchment and uh i take one of my gold pieces i one of my silver pieces and i tip him oh thank you and uh on the ground wait let me look at the parchment first before he goes away i don’t want him to go away though i have something i might want to hire him for you don’t think he could go anywhere if you try right okay

all right what does this

this runner has been commissioned by the guild of in kievers to contact brock song on behalf of one melody who has been awaiting brock song’s return to the guild of bend keepers for the past day as his signature is needed on several paperwork forms at this point you remember that you did send the runner out to retrieve melody to help with the paperwork that has been what she’s been doing for the past day all right so i uh so where i have to let the runner know that when i’ll be there yeah you can you can you can send a return message yep all right so i’m gonna send a return message i get like a parchment and quill out i write a return message saying that i’ll be there uh later this afternoon and i also write a letter for melody to let her know about the battle of the vargs in a few days and to get the rest of the band together to practice okay so we hand this parchment to the young man who i give him and i give him nine more silvers to handle both my message and the message he was prior to return so now i’m one gold less i have 24 gold gotcha so he looks at all this silver which to him is like a ton of money and it kind of he rallies himself like he looks like he’s about to pass out but he takes off sprinting again and he’s like he’s kind of halfway serpentine running just because like he’s not that stable but he’s poking it and he’s gone admirable work ethic that one has now hopefully he’ll use one of those silvers they gave to buy himself some water so he can stay hydrated the boy looked like he’s gonna collapse so the rest of your trip to the docks goes without incident all right so the pl and now this is where eppy asked about the plan so i basically explained uh basically we’re rolling our stage a fight uh where he’s gonna he’s gonna be mad at me because he’s not getting paid while the bard rock is getting fixed and uh he and i are gonna like make a big distraction of him like trying to rough me up while you two uh actually break into the ship and get what we need to steal

asked what the plan was so i was explaining we’re walking toward the dock so assuming everyone’s on board with the plan we’ll arrive at the dock uninterrupted as i understood it did she looks like give us anything like for the layout of like where the dock is like where the ship is currently being docked or anything like what the layout is or it’s gonna be the super obvious big expensive ship in the place that doesn’t belong i’m talking about like surrounding areas is there like a at least like a building new by the dock you would have told you would have been out front

you stayed at the mermaid’s arms one night just up the road from the mermaid’s arms there’s the shipwright’s house which is the guild hall for the order of shipwrecks the duchess is parked right outside of the essay park board on the docks right outside of the field hall and it is very obviously a large cargo transport ship it is well taken care of there’s like gold embossed lettering on the mast indicating that this is you know an officially chartered ship and you do see what looks to be some kind of noble seal on the front of the ship as well what colors are on that noble seal like what i know the family crest colors and all that good stuff from that i have the same question well did you guys all right go ahead roll history and i realized we’re getting out of order right now but go ahead and finish talking through your plan but enroll history for me i rolled a 8 plus 3 11. all right give me one second

okay so a 12 plus a 6 is an 18. okay so you would recognize this as a noble house wave silver they are a human and elven noble house that is responsible for a lot of trade in and out of watergate so for them to have a very large ship for congress for cargo transport is not unusual but this one seems to be their personal ship

what i know with an 18 what color their servants usually wear or what their servants usually decked out in uh blue and silver okay so when i see that i’m gonna um kind of nudge brock and be like i have a bit of a plan to get this on the ship but you’re gonna need to turn the great martine if i heard it correctly she’s a great martin don’t you the great martine would you be so kind as to turn his clothes of the blue and gold yeah i can do that uh assuming that there’s assuming we can step somewhere where people aren’t going to see me do it i press to digitize his clothes to be a very uh that’s what i’m looking for a very regal shade of those two colors that matches the boat as closely as i can so that’s kind of pushing what press the digitization thing to do i thought i could change the colors okay yeah so i can only give it i can only uh create an image that fits in my hand that’s the biggest i can do i thought that i could do it because she said i could do it because i can only create minor effects no i cannot do that what you’re trying to do is more in the realm of disguise so so yeah like obviously we’re there right now right yeah just for expediency you guys have made it to the docks district you found the ship it’s there okay we’re within line of sight of the ship okay that’s not a hard ass what i’m trying to like do you have a map for it or anything it’s a lot of theater of the mind stuff yeah yeah you know i thought about it i thought we’re using the words um oh there we go for the ship no for water gps okay so yeah we’re in the water district or the dock district that’s going to be yes okay so if you look there is see where the big dock ward letters are on the map it’s on fish street snail street uh well ship street that green dot that’s to the bottom left of that that’s the shipwrights guild hall yeah it should princess yeah like that that long dock in front of it that’s where the duchess is born you do see a little heavier security presence just because this is the guild hall this is a very central dock it’s about a half it’s a half a block down so it’s still close but it’s not as central i’m trying

our team does agree that starting at fights it might be a good idea so you need to get those cards off that door epi looks like i think i can probably get this onto the ship i don’t know it depends on who’s on the ship right now and he just um basically just uh seen him put her a few words and it’s like he starts to change shape and um you know just grows a little bit taller turned into like this human man just you know the most average joe you’ve ever seen in your life like generic white guy number five generic white guy number five yes and this guy is dressed exactly like one of the butlers would be for that particular [ __ ] all right while epi is transforming i want to take a look around just to see if i see obviously people are looking at the ship because it stands out i’m looking for any science people looking at nefariously anyone i might recognize is like one of the doc wards gangs or criminals anybody else who might be eyeing this job

hey everyone we want to take a break from the action to remind you that may is mental health awareness month and that no matter how big or small the challenges you face with mental health you aren’t alone the entire month of may we are collaborating with our friends and colleagues on twitter with the hashtag mentalhealthmtg so keep an eye out for those posts even when may is over you can still visit the national alliance of mental illness at nami.org for resources links to nami.org and all of our friends and colleagues collaborating on the mental health mtg hashtag can be found in the show notes

oh yeah like you see at least three other groups that are just looking at this with an eye for like this is an obvious mark right um so we need to be cognizant of those guys i kind of like tilt my head to the direction of the couple of groups i see and why is that they look like they’re also planning to hit this boat up for some stuff okay so absolutely we must say space i kind of nod and i’m like so just to be clear you’re you’re assuming yourself as a butler to this [ __ ] yes yes yeah peaches counter it’s like ah that was the plan oh mr dm yes what would i roll there’s like there’s i’m thinking something i just don’t know how to put in the words like like wouldn’t people take inventory of like the cargo to make sure like nothing’s illegal or like you know like no importer like contraband or anything like that yes you imagine that is with your experience as a ship person you would know that anytime you come into port and you’re not expected it would be normal to park out in front of one of the guild halls to have an inventory taken uh if there were any trade items to have tax brought in levies anything like that you imagine that’s probably what’s happening right now okay martin might have planned

so as you disguise and say butter to the sheep right so my team will pose

hiding out on one of the ships in the hardware so we need to go through and check yeah at least that way we get on the ship happy not so long and he looks back out at that group and he’s like i may know oh i just set up a little more trouble too if i need to at least that’s a very good plan and then her arm is like

some trouble too he swings his shoulder around a couple times you see like martin’s like eyes like widen and like broke right no not bro no no armbar is your who you’re my friend here roland armbar like you see like you you see like martin’s like eyes just like whining like roaring is the easy target i’m the target yes yes we say we look for you and then we have you stroll across the dock that way when martine and epi on the sheep god see you go after you yes actually i was thinking uh the best way to get distraction from both the guards and for uh the other competitors for this job if we stick with the plan of rolling deny getting in a fight if our fight rolls into one of these gangs we can get them all into a brawl together and then the guards will try and break up the brawl epic leans over i could try and get them to fight each other if you would like i have a idea since they’re from are you saying that they’re other gangs here also can we tell whether or not they’ve can we uh dm can we tell whether or not these people belong to the gangs or if they’re just groups that look like they’re colluding we’re only a perception 17 plus 219. so right nice are better some of these groups seem small time uh you definitely see at least one group that can you catch a glimpse of the centaurum tattoo on the back of their neck as they’re like shuffling around and their tunic falls down enough that they show it before they pull it back up you think at least some of these are working for larger time criminal organization all right so i point very discreetly at the direction of that group and say i notice i know there’s a center mark on one of them so if you’re looking for the biggest scariest group to antagonize that would be the one which you also with that perception score you would see that other groups have taken notice that you guys are marking the ship as well like there’s a sense between everyone everybody kind of knows you’re all thinking the same things martin say react now i’m gonna raise a hand so if i can make it out like one of them yes at the other hey this is our score get out of here so they start fighting and i turn around to martine and i say now the two of us could go on that ship i know a pretty good mark that we could say we’re going on for i hear there’s a a kevin moos who’s been causing a lot of trouble we could say we got a tip

don’t throw

so and you two are starting a fight i’m thinking roland this man here brock he’s here he’s your boss he’s also your good friend maybe one of those uh what did you call them the z the zentarim maybe you s you see one of the zentrum decide they’re going to take something from broke here now brooke here he’s here for the noble families to watch after their ship because he’s the only person that knew here anybody ask that’s the story and you stick with it now maybe if i can get them to fight each other and you two to report them to the guards say hey zender him they’re marking the ship that should close enough commotion for me and martine over here to get in the ship and look for kevin with a y i like it well martinez as much as it’s unfortunate to hear that i won’t be getting into any scuffle today i guess we’re gonna have to go with it uh actually if this goes to plan it sounds like we might be in a scuffle with one of the two biggest gangs of water deep so you might get your scuffle big guy oh i’ll have to get scuzzle and nitch out to get us out of getting into trouble that sounds amazing my good friend and i you know had him on the back all right martin don’t think we have much time let’s get this party started and i would like to you can i use uh bomb entergy to make someone else’s voice boom up to three times louder or just mine oh please don’t we can get a booming oh yeah oh okay do any of these folks sound like they’re talking about their plans uh with my rules can’t love you which one yeah can marty can martin like like like do like stick his ear up see if he’s an assisted perception check so press vegetation has a range of 10 feet i just want you to be aware so i will let you do this but you will have to get closer than 10 feet in order to do it on somebody else okay is that the same race for thaumaturgy thaumaturgy has 30. well like um what i was thinking was like as soon as like eppie said that like martine would look around and see like who’s talking the most you know or who’s being like the most secretive that’s what i wanted to check so i mean you have several groups to choose from they all seem like they are talking amongst themselves

i mean just even going off of brock’s perception you can take your pitch right okay so how close are we to the zentrum that’s my next question they’re the biggest group they’re the one that will create the most commotion if they have a scuffle with us or the guards about 80 feet away get close enough without too much trouble okay i am going to quietly say to brock and rowan now don’t follow us too close we don’t want anybody noticing that you’re with us the past already and i motioned to martine all right let’s go catch that kevin on that ship before he gets any of our of my noble house’s goods so i would like to start making my way towards the ship getting within 30 feet of those xanatar and uh we would probably wait until they were a good 30 feet ahead of us before we start moving okay and once we get close enough if one of them sounds like they’re talking about the juicy deets of getting into the dock i’m gonna make that guy’s voice boom three times as loud as normal okay what does he say so this voice booms with all right so we can go under the ship with our potions of water breathing break in that way and steal the goods right out from under them and it stops like everybody else is just looking horrified at him and you see several of the guards turn and look i’m gonna keep on walking like martin’s just gonna like kind of speed it up just a tiny a group of the guards not like four of them break off and start walking towards that group the zentarim scatter into the alleyways and there’s no telling where they went like they were i was gonna ask how many guards ever around the like entrance area to the ship does look like there still are because of how self-aware everyone is of this ship there’s about like 25 cars it is crawling with security all right at this point i think it would be time for uh me and armbar once we get a little bit closer but not like close enough for them to interfere their thing i said i say i know big guy i told you that i’d be able to pay you soon but we haven’t rebuilt the cafe yet i’m sorry this is taking too long boss you’re gonna start paying up something anything i’m dying i i’m trying man but i’m homeless my you saw it my house burned down i have i’ll have maybe two coins to rub together to my name what happened to the coins that you that we got from the job i can tell you you gave them away to that squirt and i know you got some in your left sock i know where you keep your money now shake it or i’ll shake you down i start cowering in fear like no please i’m your friend yes that’s right little man coward

yes you can hot damn i’m gonna make this argument three times louder than normal [Music] just allowed guys half of it because i think you can only get one of us yep that’s fine just the last bit about a shakedown and um and an oh yeah

all right roland and brock i need both of you to roll performance

i rolled 15 plus 722 15. always with the good rules of the stuff you’re bad at yep

all right plus one yeah nice so people have definitely taken notice of it so now you have everyone’s attention regardless i promise that you get your money it’s now or never squirt i literally get on my knees and beg and i just i’m gonna uh armbar is gonna reach down and like pick them up by the the collar and be like get above your knees you gonna be me not big and i start shaking them okay so hey another group of guards breaks off and comes over to you but everyone’s watching this our team make a perception [ __ ] got that expertise let’s [ __ ] go oh that’s that’s cocked ah [ __ ] sorry

that’s an 18 oh no is that 18 yeah it’s 18. sorry um 18 plus 5 so that’s 23. you see another group using the distraction that you guys have made they are trying to are they further ahead are they like they are sneaking they are further down nearby to the smaller dock it seems like they are hanging off the side and like floating in the water and crawling their way along the dock’s edge around to the larger dock so they are in the water unseen by the guards who are focused on you guys making their way to the ship i lean over to abby right and so you you have places yes uh do you think you can do anything about these guys over there like i point over to where like i see them like crawling on the docks right do you have anything to uh tweak with that think for a second then let me look at my little spells okay please send me a i do not have fairy fire unfortunately that’s the one time it’s actually useful but um i thought you just get that for being a tiefling am i thinking of a different spell [Music] um ah that’s what i’m thinking of and um i think i’m gonna start by casting vomiturji but this time to make a sound appear would i be able to make it sound like one person goes hey they’re in the water is that how the maturity works or is it just like a sound thank you so much you would have to make your voice boo in order to make that exact sound yeah i mean you could do that i mean you could just make a very loud bang like something’s blowing up

i am going to make um just the sound of like a noble lady going like right by where those fellas are under the docks trying to get by do i still have my unseen servant from earlier or did that wear off already i’d say it’s worn off by this part fair enough nevermind and i think it’s time that epi starts power walking towards those guards you know i i look like a butler yeah i’m gonna let you go first uh martin’s gonna came back a bit and he’s gonna like let you go first and see like what happens okay and i am going to say in my best brand new human voice gods gods there are men in the water who are trying to board my mastership i am a butler with the wave silver family i have been sent here to make sure that this ship is being guarded and i have seen one gang trying to get on and i have seen another in the water how i arrest those men immediately or at least find out what they are doing i must get onto that ship immediately i have received a word that there is a fugitive i have i have a bounty hunter with me and i must clear him off the ship immediately the wave silvers will hear about this that is not taken care of as i am walking up to the guards i’m just ranting all intimidation oh boy is that the one i’m good at it is not we oh all right we’re gonna roll emerald dice and hope for the best

oh my god it’s not 20 plus three oh wow yep so you know the drill yeah 100 so let me know what they are here we go all right first one’s a 60 and second one’s at 34. pick the fun one marquise cox

if i elves again [Laughter]

oh man oh boy those aren’t good ones just so long as it’s not dispelled magic we’re good nope oh thank god it’s a fireball you feel magic bubbling force from within [Music] uh the guards definitely respond and a large group goes to apprehend the people trying to stealthily make their way through the water the other group of guards has made their way over to brock and roland uh we will get to that in just a minute effie yes he cast jacoby’s hand what is big b’s hand bigby’s hand but it is a monkey foot instead of a hand are you cut out in the middle of that what’d you say but it is a monkey foot instead of a hand but what does it do it’s bigby’s hand like the cell what does big bee’s hand do i’m going to google it

oh boy here we go it’s basically like a mage chamber with masks there’s just a monkey hand it’s a monkey foot monkey foot sort of by

[Music]

damn i have a giant monkey hand sitting around next to me and everyone sees it and i am just going to uh i’m going to have my little monkey hand snap and then make that come here gesture the material direction of my bounty hunter uh and then martin’s gonna like ortin sees that and this kind of freaks him out so i i would feel like his first instinct would be like kick it into the [ __ ] one

you see like they just [ __ ] kick it before the record just so that you are aware this hand is roughly the size of a horse oh okay i need you to understand the ratios

i guess now that i have a horse-sized hand that looks like a monkey foot hovering above me okay so it’s like so the so the foot’s the size of it of a horse imagine master hand from super smash brothers but yes okay exactly what um i i like move towards uh um ebby ooh so when when when eddie was talking to the guards how did they seem to take it first for it before i do something like what was there taking it pretty

would i be able to just kind of take up a roll like obviously wizardy paper and say i was sit here with this scroll to make sure that the wave silver that this is here so that we can apprehend a fugitive who has gotten onto this ship we got a tip i have a bounty hunter i have a means of catching him and i do not want to go back and tell my masters i was unsuccessful because there i i need this job you’re talking something nefarious afoot yeah wait no no like i didn’t like martin walks up and he’s like your fellows never seen big monkey foot to catch come on

as you’re before behind you you hear a voice let’s have a talk shall we turn around and you see a rather high-ranking magister with captain of guard with her all eyes are on you right now i mean all eyes the other rival gangs the officers and now the magister that was stationed

some guards are coming to talk to you nobody’s paying you any mind right now all right uh can i still insert what we were going to do really quick sure all right when i saw the guard start turning i mouthed to roland throw me i’m trying to get him to throw me into one of the groups of rival gangs to start that brawl well why don’t i just throw you on the ship then that’s right no uh because that’s like 50 feet up you can fastball specialist but i don’t think you’re getting married no throw me into the most chaotic looking group you can is what i’m trying to invoke to you well let’s do that then

22. okay so you uh one hand on the back of his waist one hand on the the back of his collar you just launch rock through the air towards looks like a smaller group of less serious but also less controlled and less organized criminals brock making a dexterity savings through uh that is uh seven plus two nine okay so you and this guy that you barrel into both take four points of budgeting damage as you both just top along to the ground and kind of like a row of bowling pins the other three people in this group fall over pushed to the side by this man being tossed into the middle of them so there’s some swearing the guards are looking back and forth like what’s going on what’s happening right because now there’s this chaos over here there’s a big piece hand over here some guys are in the water over here oh it’s worth noting that when i was being thrown i also screamed in the highest shrillest voice my bard voice could possibly do okay i will helm this throw

gotcha so so to to be clear like abby has like full control over bigby’s hand right yeah epi is it controlled the baby’s hand the bigby’s hand will last until i tell you it’s gone you do not have to concentrate uh is there any way i can like whisper in their ear like like hey yeah

why not make it do a little something something [Music] is there is there any way i can do that without like it being like completely obvious right now a little slight of hair yeah that’s a plus six okay so that’s a nine total nine after the plus or with four the plus uh nine after the plus i got a three so the magister notices yeah do you think do they know like what i said oh yeah the magic is right there

okay do they question me about it i i’m going to look at my bounty hunter well i would certainly like to but i can’t seem to get onto my mastership to find the fugitive you gave me a tip that someone named kevin with a y was going on to my mastership and was going to to cause havoc and i can’t have that i i don’t even know how to use this but i’m going to catch that man i have a job to keep magistrate would you be so kind as to escort me onto the ship and help me look for whoever this person is roll me a wisdom saving for god my wisdom okay good at least i have some sort of benefit for that all right blue dice you’re up actually you know what gold nope blue dice bring it blue dice five [ __ ] plus a four is a nine hey nine total [Music] all right the magister just waves her hand in front of you and you suddenly view her in the best possible light oh boy trust her completely you are charmed

she says why don’t you tell me what’s really going on please

where’s the display magic wild

this woman that i trust completely with my life

ma’am i have heard multiple accounts from the time i have got here till now but there are people trying to get onto this ship and i have been tasked to make sure that no one gets on this ship and steals anything

technically it’s true actually it’s true and at this point in time i i have to be real with you i don’t you i i’m having a day ma’am this uh there’s people in the water there were zanatar there’s there’s a giant monkey foot the size of a horse all i know is that i need to keep everyone here from getting onto the ship and i personally need to get onto the ship and i would like to bring that particular tabaxi with me so you see her look a little closer at you what does your spell say oh no it’s a 14. says all right why do you need to get on the ship i trust her completely because i’m charmed yep she is your best friend in the whole world you take her but never trusted an authority figure more in your life i take her hand ma’am there is a statue on there of a ruby dragon that i absolutely have to get off that ship before anyone else steals it it is a matter of life and death [Music] oh my god i cannot let any of these hooligans have it oh my god oh [ __ ] dude martine is like immediately like like like he’s immediately i’m [ __ ] my team like he’s not saying anything about like in his head he’s like martinez

you’re seeing the guards like circle up right like like it’s on and i’m just going to tell her ma’am i have been tasked with keeping it safe it is not safe here clearly you you’ve seen how many people are trying to get this this needs to go back to the wave silver house it can’t stay here ma’am how close am i to the ladies charming abby oh she’s like right there y’all are five feet away from her i do want to point out she’s a magister if you’re thinking of anything nefarious

oh my god i’m sorry i got charmed i think martin did i think i think martin would dip i think that’s like [ __ ] like there’s no like how many guards are surrounding us right now good luck dipping there were about 20 or 25 guards all around here there’s a lot now some of the guards we occupied them i right now you guys have about 10 guards circling around to include the guard captain and do we have an idea how many are on the ship at all or no like on the deck at least i you don’t know not from this angle so i’m just gonna go and hopefully save this i’m gonna say to the lady now please let me do my job i need to keep it safe roll your wisdom savings

gold dice oh thank god 17 plus four 21. 21. you were 21. yeah martine what was your savings oh okay we’re doing a wiz safe yeah oh [ __ ] i believe in you that’s in that one

all right well you know the drill come on wild magic save the day

potted plants all right so i’m rolling both my decimal diet right and then tell me what the two numbers are all right so that is a a 100 that’s a zero zero so that’s 100

and a 47. yeah 47 100 so 147. here’s the thing right when you’re rolling that one the wild magic search is a disadvantage so i take the worst off oh god oh god here we go martin you blurt out a password or other random secrets oh no oh no uh my secret would be what secret would you blurt out in this moment i feel tired okay so you both feel this this pressure as if someone is trying to dig into your minds and find something oh god that you both push that presence out

actually no you holding that one yeah you say just blurt out i feel it’s hired so the magister just turns and looks at you and you can feel her pulling information on felix out of your mind oh no yeah i’m a dick i’m a feline agility yeah okay hey you know what’s a great bonus action dash missy step can i do a misty step yeah no i’m a bonus action dash and do that feline agility to get that movement up to 120. so you are way down the road right mm-hmm so you’re at did you just like snaggle puss the cat out of there exit stage left uh you dart past the guards that are just circling around happy yeah

oh no oh no oh no that’s a 25 ah you have actually a d6 oh no oh no that’s the square isn’t it okay that’s the easy one baby pink dice baby pink dice i believe in you that’s a two okay for the next two hours you have access to the told the dead came

you are stuck right there she says let’s not do that yes ma’am at this point you feel guards grabbing your arms and you’re being put in shackles well we knew it was going to happen eventually um and uh roland at this point and happy do remember you do still have bigby’s hand right there so do with that what you will brock you’re now in a crowd of people that are starting a fight there are some cards running over there to break it up when i when i dash did i pass them by any chance or no which way did you dash towards brock or just away from everyone i would have gone back like i would have gone towards like like brock and um enrolling okay so yeah you would have passed by them [ __ ] like 120 feet you guys were like at most

well then yeah no then the dash was a bit overkill [ __ ] okay i mean where am i at right now again so looking at the map so if you were there you have made it all the way down to about halfway down dock street at this point like you are far oh okay so i’m all okay so i’m all the way down that way um so i’m over by the angry not quite the very okay so like doc street is this whole doc street kind of at that intersection is where you’re at so like the it’s like like dark stream odd stream yeah okay i have an idea for bigby’s hand all right i’ma wait for everyone else to do their stuff and then like come back to me i want to try to devise myself a little bit so what’s going on with me and the big group of people i just got launched into all right so you’re lying there they’re all lying there cussing and swearing and generally being sailorly they stand up and start like they go for their weapons but then they realize there’s like guards everywhere and everybody’s on high alert and what they don’t want is to get arrested so they catch themselves kind of back away because the guards are coming this way so they start reaching for the weapons you said they start to but then they stop they catch themselves second i see them reach for their weapons i go oh god please don’t and cast thunder wave i’m trying to blast them all back towards where my friends are in danger okay what’s your save music my safe dc is 13. uh two of them well how much damage do you do first of all cigarettes uh to do 2d8 all right that’s the pyramid of two butts six plus two i do eight damage to them the ones that fail anyway i think yeah so the one that passed uh he takes four damage and does not get knocked away he’s a really burly guy the other two get launched about 10 feet backwards uh one of them actually falls into like the arms of one of the guards catches them at this point they are now blowing their whistles and you’re hearing whistles off in the distance as well i have an idea for bigby’s hand well roland before you go roland is there anything you would like to do in the middle of all this jeez i believe in you roland [Laughter] you got quite a mess hmm how strong is a magister like is it just like a really tough wizard or like a magister is a wizard it is a think of it as the wizard version of a guard okay so epi is pretty much surrounded by guards she’s shackled or he he is shackled is shackled or is being shackled for clarification in the process of being shackled because all this is kind of happening at the same time here in a minute we’re gonna roll initiative so we’re ready for that i’m sorry guys uh i really don’t have any clue like what i what i should do in this situation so i’ll just pass well i guess i guess like i could if she’s like if he’s like in the middle of being shackled i guess i could run over there to try to like kind of tackle everybody and knock them over like just run into them try to clothesline them okay uh go ahead make just a strength check it’s a g20 plus your strength modifier 19. cafe again so you barrel through that outer line of guards you knock about three of them over they are all pro you’re now inside the circle i would like everyone to give me initiative okay you listen to bar rock cafe get onto sassy gamers.com and listen to more episodes and become a patron i’ll read your cards do it patreon.com bardrock cafe until next time